Recap: Spanko Brunch 2.0 for April 14

This week we discussed inaccurate assumptions made about ourselves or others.

Anon 1: Of course, initial assumptions are pretty much always 99% of time wrong.

Anon 2: My longest term spankee had me alarmed by first picture she sent me. It was from the front and her wrists looked so tiny, I incorrectly assumed her bottom would be insufficient to take my spankings. I was delighted to find myself wrong when we met.

Graham: Indeed. Some folks will draw conclusions from seemingly anything. Our current tendency to communicate by emails and texts is a poor substitute for talking in person, and that also applies to business and other important communications. Of course, in person communications on sensitive issues like spanking and sexual preferences is not practical in many, if not most, instances. As they say, it is what it is.

Dan: I think that people who aren't in F/m relationships sometimes assume that because I am in a relationship in which I receive disciplinary spankings from my wife, I must be submissive or meek in other parts of my life. Far from it.

With respect to whether I have been in error in assumptions about someone else, I'm sure it's happened more frequently than I think. The specific example I can think of is that when we first started with F/m disciplinary spankings, I assumed that most of the men who were seeking it were dominant personalities in their daily lives and that they were attracted to being on the receiving end of a F/m discipline/spanking relationship because they want to give up some of the control that went along with their dominant/Alpha personalities. I now believe that belief was based on a small data set (a limited number of guys I had interacted with on-line), and also a fair amount of psychological projection on my part, i.e. I assumed that because I fit that profile, others did as well. 

Sage: When I first started reading spanking blogs, just a few months ago, I thought every spanko except me was into punishment. Because that seems to be what most of the writing is about. Was glad to find out I'm not alone being into erotic spanking and stress release spanking.

Communication is difficult among humans in general. So we shouldn't be surprised when sometimes it isn't clear. It's super easy to misunderstand one another.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” ― George Bernard Shaw

Bonnie: Yes, definitely, many times. I describe who I am on my blog, but guys (it's always men) want to write to me without even reading the summary.

I'm a happily married and monogamous spanko grandmother. I'm not a top. I don't play with anyone but my husband. I'm not a young girl nor have I been one for a very long time. I don't sell my panties. I don't know anyone who will play with you in a town 2000 miles from here. I don't do 1:1s. I don't sell photos of my butt or spanking videos. No, you can't come over. I may be submissive, but I'm not your submissive. I don't want to FaceTime. And I really, really don't need to see your revealing selfie.

I am willing to exchange email with just about anyone, especially if it's about our favorite subject, but please show a little courtesy.

Wendel: Amen Bonnie. I fully agree--except that part about being a grandmother, a girl and the whole panties thing for erm, you know, obvious reasons. I did ask the Misses once if I could sell her panties and I did not sit for a week.
Seriously, This is the only spot where I post anything. If I did post or if the Misses posted we would not care what anyone thinks. We do our thing and enjoy it. 

Prefectdt: Yes, but it is mostly a historic problem for me, pre-internet days, when meeting someone face to face was often the first time that you got to know anything about them. It is worse when I am suited and booted, but has happened at other times too. Some people would presume that I was a disciplinarian rather than a submissive. Just something about my appearance, I suppose.

KDPierre: The worst experiences I have had, which were frequent enough to indicate that this is a trend among folks locked into a power dynamic mindset, and not a fluke, are the assumptions that one's role equates to the validity of their opinion or their knowledge, with Tops of both genders being treated by the subs of the opposing gender as though anything they say is like genius advice written in golden script while opinions of subs are dismissed as irrelevant. This is pure nonsense and it is demeaning and infuriating to have subs turn on other subs just so they can appear to kowtow to the resident dominants. Being a dominant doesn't make you right, being a sub doesn't mean you should just shut up, and being in a power dynamic relationship with one person doesn't mean one is submissive to anyone and everyone who feels like calling themselves a Top.

On my end, I have made assumptions on whether people are who they say they are, that may or may not have been true. Online no one will ever know, although in a couple of instances later slip-ups and revelations have confirmed my assumptions. These assumptions are based on a gut feeling that arises when reading certain things that just don't sound like something a person of that gender would say. But again, unless some instance later reveals the truth, we often will never know, and as I admitted, it is quite possible that I have been wrong about some people. 

Sage: I think that one thing that makes communication about sex or romance so difficult is that sex is infantile. I don't mean for kinky people. I mean for everyone. Who truly understands anyone else's infantile fantasies that their sex & romantic life is about? Who of us truly understands our own ways of feeling cared for and secure when treated in certain ways that don't necessarily make other people feel cared for or secure? 

Roz: I would say undoubtedly yes. Online communication rather than face to face always has its limitations and we have a tendency to only share snippets, especially with such a intimate topic.

Hermione: Within the last group of people I worked with, I would have been considered a domme rather than a sub. They would have been amazed to know I was a submissive spanko. 

Things are seldom what they seem,
Skim milk masquerades as cream. - Buttercup

 

Slava Ukraini
Glory to Ukraine

Spanko Brunch 2.0 #535

Greetings to all my readers. We are currently experiencing a spell of wet weather over the next several days, so it's the perfect time to stay indoors and chat with like-minded friends. Our good friend KDPierre sent me this topic, which is certain to provoke some lively discussion.

When discussing your interest in spanking, either online or in person, has anyone ever made inaccurate assumptions about you, or treated you differently, based on the role you told them you were in? Conversely, have you ever made incorrect assumptions about someone else?

Please leave your response as a comment below. Once everyone has had a chance to speak, I will publish an edited summary of our conversation.

Slava Ukraini
Glory to Ukraine

If the Cap Fits

Wear your pain proudly!

Boru found this so-appropriate cap here.

Slava Ukraini
Glory to Ukraine

Recap: Spanko Brunch 2.0 for April 7

Do you think it's necessary for spankings to feel deserved, that the spankee earned the punishment?

Bonnie: My answer is no, but the experience is more meaningful when I feel I am being spanked for a reason. Even when that reason is contrived, it still promotes a corporal punishment headspace that I find beneficial.

Sage: The question of whether my spankings are deserved is a question of whether I've been good enough to deserve them. Because I'm not into a punishment head space, but I love spankings. My partner thinks I'm good enough to deserve the pleasure of them. So I'm glad of that.

I am curious as to what is beneficial about a corporal punishment headspace, for those of you for whom it is so good that you create reasons why you deserve punishment. So if anyone wants to tell me, I'd love to hear your answer.

B: Our spankings are recreational, but always have a "reason." The reason is often determined during the spanking itself. I'll hold out as long as I can and then admit my misdeeds. The spanking proceeds, of course, until I'm properly punished.

Graham: It just depends on the parties' mood and what scenario they want. We often spank just for fun, to enhance our pleasure or as part of game such as Scrabble, Trivial Pursuit, gin, ping pong, pool, etc.

That said, I find that receiving "disciplinary" spankings to be quite rewarding even though the "reason" may be somewhat contrived as noted above. Even so, no one is perfect, so it's not that hard to find a good "reason" for the spanking.

Finally, "I just want to give you a spanking" is a fine enough excuse!

Roz: Our spankings happen for discipline or punishment, to affirm our roles in our dynamic or for fun so no, for me I don't have to feel I have 'deserved' a spanking for it to be effective. In fact, often the fun spankings can be the most intense.

Norse Cavalier: Most of the spankings I give are for fun, so "deserved" doesn't really factor into it. Maybe you could make an argument that she doesn't 'deserve' to have so much fun, but I'm willing to spank her anyway - I'm very charitable like that.

As for punishment spankings, I'm not sure that I could give a punishment spanking if the young lady didn't agree that she deserved it. Consent is key, even for punishments. Maybe if it was a case of her going, "I don't agree that I deserve a punishment spanking for this, but I have complete faith in your judgment, so I'll submit anyway," but nothing like that has happened to me yet.

Luvinhub: When we entered into a Wife led Marriage with DD I gave my consent for my wife to spank me any time, any where, for any reason. So with that a spanking did not have to be deserved. Eventually we incorporated maintenance spankings to ensure I knew to behave and be obedient, to know my place, and a reminder that my wife was in charge. So, again no.

Since stepping out of our WLM she has spanked me once or twice from my asking. For me, agreeing with Bonnie above, spanking had more meaning with a reason whether that reason was deserved punishment or for general maintenance. 

Prefectdt: That definitely would not work for me. Once I am over the initial “OMG! That hurts, why do I do this?” it is only very seldom that I do not enjoy a spanking. So spankings as a punishment is not for me. Spankings as a reward, however, might get the desired effect.

Rosco: For Irene and me, it’s all a fun, roleplay sex game. When she spanks me, she usually makes up some story that I was caught peeking into the women’s locker room or any of a million similar themes. Occasionally, it’s because I didn’t do a chore or two at home but it’s a tiny part of our game.

The story is important for both of us. A spanking without cause is like a hot dog without mustard.

But if she were really annoyed with me for some reason, she’d never spank me. She might ignore me, however.

KDPierre: For me personally, I find it essential that a punishment spanking feel deserved. In fact, submissive or not, if I feel the declared punishment is undeserved, I will not submit to it until we hash it out. Often during this process Rosa will explain things in a way that help me see her point and once I am clear on things, I will then submit. Other times she sees my point and we resolve the issue without a punishment. I think if a couple is doing discipline for real life offenses, submitting to a spanking that feels undeserved might make for great submissive fantasy, but in reality, is only going to breed resentment over time. This is not to say that this policy is a free pass to avoid a spanking "I don't want". "Wanting" is not part of the DD equation, and in fact, NOT wanting it is probably a good sign the punishment is going to be effective. I'm only talking about objecting to something where there is ambiguity, which is rare, but does occasionally happen.

We do other types of spankings though, and for them, we usually have a 'reason' which is similar to those others have already mentioned. Even if the reason, is "just because". LOL I can even handle getting spanked for something utterly unfair if the atmosphere around it clearly recognizes that. I have even been a spanking proxy (taking punishment spankings in place of the actual guilty party) several times and have no problem with that, since the spanker recognizes that I am a proxy and not directly guilty of the offense.

I guess you could say that all the spankers in my life know that I will cooperate and go along with just about anything, as long as the reasons are clear and accurate.

Anon: While my spankings are few and far between because they are certainly something nobody would want on a regular basis they are not only deserved but well earned.

Sage: Fascinating stuff. Thanks for everyone who's sharing experiences. One spanking blogger I read, thought that the domestic discipline arrangement was cooked up by spankees for the purpose of insuring that they would be spanked regularly.
Spanking me is foreplay for my vanilla partner, so he's happy to do it. But as we grow older, if he can't have sex any more, maybe I'll need some excuse for him to spank me. Though, given my unpleasant experiences with punishment during childhood, I'll probably think up some excuse that will be more enjoyable to me personally than punishment.
Spanking blogs are so interesting. One writer said she was never punished as a child and thought parents who punished their kids must really care about them, so punishment scenarios made her feel cared about. 

Wendel: We are not into punishment spankings. Obviously there is some reason as to why we get spanked but the reasons are only for fun. Quite often the reason is just that we want to give or be spanked. The Misses says she loves to have a sore bottom. Same goes for me as well. 

Sore is More: The punishment spanking fantasy is definitely the most potent aphrodisiac for me and get the proverbial juices flowing in no time. But that's where the reality and fantasy do not collide. Will I ever be able to truly submit to one, the time will tell. As for now, I enjoy immensely writing them.

Sage Blum, my most heartfelt thanks to you for all the kind words and for reminding me how much I loved Izzie and Nick story. I'm back to writing it. The story I'm working on right now as part of A to Z challenge is in fact Izzie's backstory. Kind of a dead-dove variety but I promise, things will get better, as Aldous is Izzie's now ex-husband. Plenty of punishments there...

Hermione, sorry for the shameless plug but I miss you all, my dear fellow bloggers, and I'm glad to be blogging again daily!! I suggest to start with letter A.

Marie: Not at all! While I do think there is room for me personally for actual punishment, it's rare and self-driven vs imposed externally by someone else. I *enjoy* being spanked - in lots of different ways. Sometimes, "enjoy" is complicated and what I want and/or need is something that I don't actually like or enjoy in the moment but it's good for me. Discipline is a lot like this for me. It has nothing to do with having "earned" the spanking in the traditional sense of it being *reactionary*, but rather that discipline is good for me, makes me feel good, and is a way of intimately connecting with another person. I deserve that, 100% - but it's not reactionary in a "you deserve to be spanked because you've been naughty" kind of way, if that makes sense. I don't enjoy making up silly or "funishment" reasons for spanking either - I understand the drive and where it comes from, it just doesn't work for me.

KDPierre: To Sage: you said: "One spanking blogger I read, thought that the domestic discipline arrangement was cooked up by spankees for the purpose of insuring that they would be spanked regularly."

I'm sure that given the diversity of participants in this very broad, and personally motivated lifestyle, that may be true for some folks somewhere, but making it a blanket assumption, or asserting this is the sole reason, only serves to illustrate the author's lack of experience...and perhaps their personal prejudices as well.

FL: Spanking and role play, for me, go hand in hand. Or hand to cheek, as it may be. So yes, being spanked as punishment is a huge part of it. The reasons were contrived, the roles were assumed for the duration only, but the spankings were very real.
I have, on occasion, acted in a manner to provoke a spanking but it never really worked; it was more annoyance than provocation and more likely to lead to a row than a spanking. So fantasy role play was what worked best.

Hermione: We don't spank for punishment, so deserving isn't part of our equation.

Jack: Having a marriage based on FLR, my spankings are always for punishment. I may think I don't deserve a spanking, but my wife/mommy decides.

Is anyone planning a spanking during the total (or partial, depending on where you live) eclipse? 

Slava Ukraini
Glory to Ukraine

Spanko Brunch 2.0 #534

Welcome, one and all, to our weekly discussion. I think you'll enjoy this week's topic, suggested by our dear friend Bonnie.

Do you think it's necessary for spankings to feel deserved, that the spankee earned the punishment?

Please leave your response as a comment below. Once everyone has had a chance to speak, I will publish an edited summary of our conversation.

Slava Ukraini
Glory to Ukraine

Recap: Spanko Brunch 2.0 for March 31

What one change would make your spankings better?

Rosco: Hmmm ….

Comfortable support for my head and neck. I try to use pillows so I don’t have to turn my head to the side.

Or, If I weren’t in a very happy monogamous marriage, I’d liked to be spanked by the entire women’s volleyball team.

Bonnie: Maybe if we didn't have to spend our days working, we'd have more time for fun.

Maybe if we could be 40 years younger, we could do it all again, but differently this time.

Maybe if we had a fully equipped and soundproofed spanking dungeon, we could have elaborate ceremonies.

But even without these unlikely wishes, our spankings are still pretty good.

Roz: More time and less life getting in the way. Oh, and yes, a soundproof room.

Barrel: Consistency and frequency. We let too much of life’s distractions get in the way of our spankings. I know many of you have a weekly date and time for your activities. We have tried, even putting appointments on our joint calendar. But my wife’s low libido and interests allow social and grandkid activities to trump spanking. So, maybe I am convincing myself what we miss is commitment to spank? I’m interested to see what else is shared.

Wendel: Distance from the neighbors would be nice. The neighbors around our US home are pretty close. There are times when we worry about the sounds. I like the idea of a sound proof room but I think it would limit the activity. Bottoms are not immune from spankings, paddlings or whippings in any room of the house which adds to the already enjoyable activity.
We have a home in Ireland as well and the nearest neighbor is more than a quarter mile away. No sound proofing needed so the spankings can take place in any room in the house with no worry. 

Sage: Late last year, my life suddenly became perfect through the addition of spankings, so I don't need anything else right now. Looking back, it seems amazing I waited so long to ask my partner for them.

Jack: I asked my wife/mommy to address this question. My spankings are punishment, our marriage is strong because she wears the pants. Her answer would be to make me wait longer, having me stand with pants and underpants around my ankles, longer scolding, sometimes a person to witness the spanking, especially my mother-in-law. She added that the one thing that was missing was the bath brush and once she started using that, the results improved the spanking. Just another view on the subject.

KDPierre: That's an easy one! Being 20 to 30 years younger!

Prefectdt: Simple answer, more spankings, more often and not having to travel so much, to get spanked.

Hermione: I would like to hear the words that start my juices flowing, like "You've been a naughty girl, and you need a good spanking". Ron's the strong, silent type and lets his hand do the talking.

Slava Ukraini
Glory to Ukraine

Spanko Brunch 2.0 #533

Welcome, dear friends, to our weekly celebration of all things spanking. Today's topic was suggested by our good friend and fellow blogger Bonnie.

What one change could make your spankings better?

Please leave your response as a comment below. Once everyone has had a chance to speak, I will publish an edited summary of our conversation.

Slava Ukraini
Glory to Ukraine